Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Jumbled thoughts

Okay, let's be real for a minute.

I was lying in bed last night snuggling up next to my hubby and I realized that there are only a select number of these nights left with just the two of us. Don't get me wrong, we are both very excited about the little boy coming to greet us in the spring; however I must admit I felt some feelings of selfishness about having to share everything. Even though Eric and I have spent every night together for the past 5 years, it doesn't feel like enough these days. I think these feelings are fueled by pregnancy hormones. (ya think??) I am looking forward to holding and loving this baby SO much, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that a part of me is sad about the fact that it won't just be the 2 of us anymore getting to sleep as much as we choose. I'm just being honest here and I'm going to use this blog as my outlet. I feel like I can't post certain crap on facebook b/c of people's comments and then I just get irritated. Honestly, a lot of stuff is pissing me off lately and I can't even figure out why. I guess I can blame it on hormones, or if I don't I will bet the farm someone else will. HA! I get sick of reading all these sugary sweet posts and stuff...COME ON PEOPLE, be real. (translation: be pissy like me)

I think I got off topic.

Yes, I'm wondering how the future will be with bringing a new life into the picture. I know it will be great and like nothing we can ever prepare for. Everyone with kids says "it's so wonderful and it's the best thing ever!" One side of me thinks sweet! Can't wait!! The other side of me thinks yes, perhaps; but I think once you're a parent you have to say that. It's overwhelming and I can't help but think about all the aspects it brings; fun times and hard times. I am truly excited to have a son on the way and I cannot wait to meet him! I realized once I lost Chester how much of a void is left in my heart without someone to take care of. I know parenthood will be great for me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified though. I think part of it is b/c this was a surprise pregnancy. Even though I had thought about wanting to start a family for a while, it almost feels like it's happening too fast now. I am happy for the future though, let's face it...I'm not getting any younger and I really don't want to be 60 raising a teenager. Half of me really enjoys being pregnant, and the other half is ready to move on. BUT, since there is little time to enjoy the alone time Eric and I have right now, I'm going to try and make the most of it and hopefully I can hold this baby in as long as I can.

I can tell you where some of this daily frustration comes from....the stupid Christmas music at all the stores combined with children screaming b/c their bratty butts want all the toys the parents are buying for other kids. I can't stand Christmas music in the stores a month before Christmas. Seriously, I don't need to hear that crap....I like it the week of Christmas but that's IT!!! I think it makes everyone crazy. Makes me more stressed when I shop, that's for sure. Especially when I hear the lady in front of me singing along to it or better yet...whistling to it. Maybe I'm just a bitch. I'm just now getting old enough to realize it. hahahaha. I guess the holidays make most people cheery and warm, it makes me bitter and cold a lot of the time. Maybe that's due to the fact that I have lost so many close people to me right around Christmas. It reminds me of death. And I don't enjoy thinking of death at all. (another topic I could go on about but I will spare that post for now)

Anyways, I just felt the need to write my thoughts. On a different note, little man kicked me in the ribs for the first time today and it startled me. Holy cow! I was driving and I guess I was slouching to one side and it made me jump pretty hard. He's not THAT big yet, but I guess my bad posture made it easier for him to hit bone. Score. I do enjoy watching my belly dance all the time and he really prefers my right side lately. Funny how something so tiny can have a preference.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

24 Weeks

Oh my, what rush. Little dude moves all the time now...I think he will be one of those people that paces when he is on the phone. (mom and dad both do that...but dad does it more!) I'm so happy that he is pretty active most days b/c I tend to be a more paranoid person. It doesn't feel like I thought it would feel...I guess? It's a foreign feeling to have something alive in your body playing twister. "right hand rib, left foot bladder...POW!" I can feel him shift and flip...he seems to prefer being on my right side. He likes to turn and stick his head out towards my belly button and his butt towards my spine. (could be the other way around, I really can't tell yet) What a weird and wonderful feeling at the same time. I like being able to feel exactly where he is most of the time.

I have noticed that I have to pee urgently every 40 minutes or so. Awesome. Wanna hear something else that's cool? I realized yesterday that I can't really see myself to shave properly; if you know what I mean. I didn't think that would happen yet. I don't feel THAT big. I have also noticed that I have trouble getting comfortable and my back is very easy to strain now. *sigh. But, I really can't complain. I'm having a very good pregnancy (minus the migraines) and I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything. Well, I'll trade it for a baby :)

We have not decided on a name yet, but names are sounding more appealing now so I'm a little relieved. I can't decide on what I want the nursery to look like, so I think I'm just going to pick a color palette so I can paint the room and at least get furniture. I know, I don't have anything yet. I have trouble committing to such things (you would know this if you saw my house b/c right now we sport the minimalist look). Unless I can find a bedding set that I really know is THE ONE, I'm going to buy some cute sheet sets and make the bumper and possibly a blanket/quilt with my mother's help. I like a lot of sets, which is why I have trouble picking one out...but there is always something that doesn't SELL it for me. (sometimes it's the price) On that note, Lonestar Baby...have a clearance isle why don't you??? I saw a little clearance table with nothing but broken crap on it. Pffft. They have some of the same sets at Burlington Coat Factory for less. Courtney told me this place was on the expensive side. I love how they have a lot of nurseries set up so you can look at them. I loved the furniture too, but man...my pockets are shallow. I am becoming so cheap that I squeak when I walk. There was an awesome stroller that had metal wheels, brakes, a suspension, and completely customizable...um yes please! Wait, how many hundreds of dollars?? Damnit. Me being more of a motor head and Eric being...well, a guy. We wanted it. I believe I will present the options to the grandpa's....perhaps we can get little dude a stroller a MAN can be proud of. ;)

I'm still a little scared about being a parent and I think I figured out why I am anxious. Other than the fact that most, if not all women feel this way with their first baby. I figured out that it makes me not the "kid" anymore of the family. I know...I'm knocking on 30 but I still feel like the kid at Grandmother's house. I sit at the "kid" table at Thanksgiving since my brother and I are the only grandchildren. I realized that this knocks all the people older than me into the next category. Yikes. I over-analyze too much. And I know I'm still immature...want to know why I'm immature? B/c when I typed the word "analyze", I paused and laughed when I spelled out anal before finishing the word. Heh.

This is a fun journey on the road of life. I can't wait for the next step! We are all very excited to see meet all the little boys that will be born in the next few months.