Broken Heart

I don't want to type much on this subject right now b/c I don't want to get sad and depressed. As many of you know via facebook, my Chester is not with me anymore. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and my heart is broken. He was not doing good for a few months and these last 4 weeks were VERY rough so I knew it was about that time. I had been hand feeding him and coaxing him to eat for several weeks and I was doing everything I could to make him comfortable and feel loved. (If you do not know how I am with my dogs, and especially how I was with Chester you would know that he was my baby. His needs always took priority over my own.) He started to whimper pretty loudly last Wednesday night (and he NEVER cries, EVER...so laid back and easy going) and I knew he was in pain. He couldn't get comfortable and his eyes were telling me something. We took him around 1am to an emergency animal clinic and had a doctor look at him. She said he had lost so much weight and he wasn't doing very good. She said we had 2 choices: do every kind of testing and treatment imaginable, or to put him to sleep. I had already been putting him through all kinds of tests and treatment since June of this year. Kidney problems, bladder problems....he either had kidney failure or bladder cancer-neither were treatable. I didn't think he wanted to be stuck with needles anymore and I knew from spending every waking moment with him how he must have felt. I didn't want him to spend any overnight time at the vet when he was so sad. :( It was so hard to do, but we decided to let him go to sleep after 14 years on this earth. I really believe he had cancer b/c of how he took a turn for the worst. I miss him so much. He has slept by my belly at night since before I could drive. He is forever missed and irreplaceable.

They also asked if I wanted to take him home in a coffin to bury him, or no coffin, or leave him there, or have him creamated. I hadn't really thought about that before. I knew I could not leave him there for the last time...he has to come back to his mommy. I opted to have him creamated b/c I didn't want to bury him in our yard here. I don't know how long we will stay here and it might sound silly, but I want to find a good place for him to rest. So, until I find that spot, he will be in an urn in my house. Maybe it's morbid, but it sets my soul at ease. I found a necklace online that I bought that means "you left a paw print on my heart" and I can put a small amount of his ashes in there. I will be happy to get my necklace so he can be with me again. I feel alone despite the growing child inside me.

Chester should be back home in the next few days.